I am from

I am from sugar cane fields, fish canneries, and a trail of paper

paper that asked too many questions in order to justify living

I am from late night karaoke, mahjong, ash trays, and beer bottles

 bottles clinking between gossiping and dancing family members

I am from sweet yellow mangoes, fresh coconuts, calamansi juice

Juice so sweet but to some, foreign to taste

I am from 7100 islands dressed in pure gold

gold that has been mined by colonizers

I am from san Miguel san Miguel san Miguel beer

Beer stench that burned my nostrils with embarrassment from my father’s ills

I am from sari sari store, liquor store, war zone

A war zone that my great grandfather stood on one leg on

I am from my great grandmother’s maternal instinct and heart beat

heart beat that was racing so fast as she hid her baby from Japanese soldiers

I am from my mother’s intuition

Intuition that was tarnished by the church: she couldn’t teach me that my own intuition is a mother

I am from “be slow to anger, keep your head down and just follow the rules”

But rules meant I couldn’t be a woman or a man or anything inside, outside, or in between

I am from apologizing instead of saying thank you

Apologizing even when there was nothing to even apologize for

I am from a gnawing guilt about being direct or stating my needs and boundaries

The word boundaries wasn’t in my vocabulary growing up

I am from not knowing the difference between love and violence

 Love’s message was preached from the pulpit

I am from receding glaciers, crisp mountain air, the northern lights, 3 am cotton candy pink skies 

These cotton candy pink skies provided a respite from alaska’s darkness 

I am from sneaking out late at night to be with a boy

because boy, being the oldest in my family meant I had to be an example

I am from hours and hours in the dance studio and the school gym

dance at the time was the replacement for therapy

I am from being misunderstood for stating I had undiagnosed mental health conditions and physical limitations

my limitations were masked well enough that I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until last year

I am from a household that ignores what is actually going on as a coping mechanism

The coping mechanism was disguised as being strong until it manifested into physical illness 

I am from a church that didn’t encourage my mom to leave my dad
My dad was seen as needing help instead

I am from a religion that valued marriage before we could have sex
Sex became an overwhelming reason why my marriage started and why it then fell apart

I am from being seen as shy, quiet - blending in like a wallflower 

a wallflower that ends up blossoming, finding its aries, and surprising people when given the chance to share

I am from an unwavering belief that everything has its own purpose 

Even when purpose is the counterpart to meaninglessness

I am from never feeling understood 

Understanding that part of that is because of my fear to be truly vulnerable, risking rejection

I am from the wombs of my grandmothers

My grandmothers gave me my first name as I was the first born

I am Trisha Fey Elizarde